Why I don’t believe into deletion.
There are many occasions when we are facing the difficult choices in life: to stay or to go, to keep or to let go. Many of those simple ones we face on a daily basis. However, it gets harder to make such decisions when it comes to the relationships. Making the choice to let go of a loved one can be very traumatic indeed with life long consequences. The fear of pain that may follow after breaking up alone can become the strongest motivator of why people choose to stay in a non satisfactory or just satisfactory relationships. There are other reasons too of course. There is a strong tendency for once relationship is over, for people to start behaving like nothing has ever happened. They put neutral face masks that help them to hide any emotional wreckage they may possibly go through. Some people go into the state of “deletion”, trying to write off all the history and the memories about relationship all together. It goes as far as deleting the photos, messages, material goods, contacts, blocking common friends etc. They delete all that may remind person about relationships.
More often than not, after “clearing” has been done, the pain of past relationship remains. We may be even in a new relationship already, but the quiet voice of past keeps nagging somewhere deep about something that hasn’t been fully released. There are spiritual practices that would work on “removing connections”, “cutting cords” etc to eradicate the emotional wound. We always feel that by eliminating something from our immediate space, we are done with the tidying.
Through my work in Life Alignment I haven’t experienced even once when the healing of past relationships happened through “deletion”. So here I would put few steps that do work and provide support with moving on from broken relationships and help to avoid going into the deletion cycle. Breathe. Something has gone, but you are alive. After break up, the person may find themselves in an altered state. There may be moments of ups and downs. One may feel great and free for some time, and then go through a rapid emotional change, feeling low and miserable. Being present and connected to once emotion, and being true to ourselves is essential for the healing. So breathe. Whenever you find yourself in pain, connect to your breathing and keep the focus there for however long you can. Do it for few seconds or longer. But do it. Breathing supports staying in the present. It’s like a moment of checking with yourself, whereby ultimately a reconnection happens with once power. Or else the reboot of your thinking mind. Grieve. Allow yourself to go into mourning about the past. Something that was there has now died. Or, the least, it’s being perceived this way. It’s your right to grieve. If you find it hard to do so, take a pen and paper and write down all the pains you may feel, all the hatred and anger, all the shame you may experience, all the despair, fears… put it all into the paper. Tears will come. Allow them to come. Go as far as it takes. And stay with yourself.
The biggest distraction for healing arises whenever we are trying to stop thinking about the past. When we attempt to control by cutting the longing of the heart, we forbid ourselves feeling the aches. As we decided to move on and our longing of the heart is not aligned with our choice, we are trying to kill the feeling, to make it stop oveflow us. We are working hard not to admit that we still have feelings for this man or woman. The words of resentfulness will flow as an argument of why it’s not right to have the feelings towards that person. Little do we know that our own fight with our heart is creating a heart ache. No one ever breaks your heart. You do. Alone. The issue here is that we are trying to shut down the only real and alive mechanism that we have. Place that is a source of our joy and happiness. That is our emotional centre. I will not argue that it’s not possible to lock up your heart as it absolutely is. Question is: Do you really want to go into the dead zone? Heart has unlimited space. Once it has been touched by anything, the conscious connection is made between heart and the energy of this object, be it a person, animal or a material. Once heart has been opened there is a living connection. The more love connections person creates in their life the richer, more abundant life will be perceived. And we are talking about true abundance here. One that derives from inside. One that cannot be faked pretended and accomplished through material possessions. The abundance of heart makes person naturally glow with magnetic beauty and a twinkle in the eye. So why to cut off anything, anyone away? I can’t even see how it is possible. Connection never dies. All you do while trying to delete person from your life is just simply shutting yourself down. Making yourself less than you possible could be. The solution here is to make peace with your heart. Just affirm in your own words: “Dear John you have touched my heart (at least once he did, right?!) ” and I am very grateful to you for this. As it expanded my heart. And I will assure that you always have a space in my heart, You have earned it. My heart is expansive and I have space for you there. And I have space for many other people to come.” You can take it further by affirming the details of all positive elements that happened in your life thanks to the relationships that now ended and how your life has been enriched through this experience. So instead of shutting down you appreciate this person and yourself. You celebrate love, connection and heart. This work is between you and your heart.
Boundaries. The reasons why relationships ended can be very traumatic, with possible abuse etc. It may take time to reach the space from where the appreciation can happen.
Therefore, you do only as much opening of the heart as feels safe to do. It’s ok to make an intention that I will only walk as much today. Boundaries are a form of lesson we have learned from previous relationships - what went wrong and why and how, we will relate to people we newly meet and form new relationships, while at the same time keeping a strong purpose creating life from heart felt, expansive space. And.. being open to love again.