- Author Tania Zayets
Mother and Daughter Relationship. Case Study Deep Coaching Conversation.
Client finds it difficult to prioritise in her life. She often twists commitment that she made with other people and then feel guilty about it. As we explore more, I learn that she has issues with making decisions overall and committing to them in the first place. She is often bandaged by guilt and does things out of guilt.
Session: I asked her to feel guilt. Where does she fee the guilt in her body? She said in the left chest side and felt like a dark grey space in her body.
As we proceeded deeper, I asked what this feeling is associated with…
Client in the deep state: I see my mother. I feel whatever I do; I seek her approval. I need to obey her expectation of me, even if I am not around her. I just sense her invisible presence in my life all the time. Like a shadow.
Me: What is your perception of her expectation: Client: She wants me to be married, to have house and children… To be like everyone else. She wants me to have fat bank account ... and many more things.
Me: Can you see why? Client: She feels she can fulfil up her own insecurity that she didn’t manage to fulfil through me.
Me: What can you do that is available to you to release that projected expectation from your mum.
Note. Here we stayed awhile, and client was exploring in different ways to find a right solution for her:
Client: I think I need to give my mum something so she can relax… After long pause... Client started to cry. - I think it’s my ashes. When I am dead, she will stop worrying about me.
Client is going through a lot of tears...
Note: This is how unintentionally we can create real havoc in our life. When this type of self-belief is present - what is she communicating to the world from her subconscious? It's a profoundly destructive monologue. And no wonder client cannot prioritise and feel lost and indecisive about her commitments. At the moment she sees only two choices: Mum's choice - that she hates and it's killing her Her own choice - that she can't commit to as it will upset her mum
Me: How this exploration supports your understanding of yourself?
Client: That I must let go and stick to my life. And to do what I want to do with it. I may need to explore a lot before I stick to choose something. I am not my mother. I need to pursue my own path.
Me: What is your path?
Client: I see myself happiest when I work with other people, being part of creative projects… I really really love to work, (before session she described herself as someone who would be happy to retire already, at her age of 40 ) I need the thrill of creating something interesting with exciting people... There are so many things I still want to do in my life...
Me: How will you know that what you do is not based on projection from your mother and/or other people?
Client: I feel my real boundary with my mother is to recognise how amazing she is and how well she has done in her own life. She is multitalented woman. Whenever I speak to her I will always look for the ways to praise her and compliment her. To recognise her beauty, instead of going into self-defence. This way I feel as me and my mum can heal. This way I will be able to pursue what I want to do and not being judged by my mum.
I encouraged client to praise her mum for some time in meditative state. Client: I feel like i am becoming younger and I clearly see I can accomplish so much more. SO much more. I feel like my life was about living someone’s else's dreams.
I really want to begin my own life now.
By recognising and accepting differences of another person – you automatically receive more and more self-acceptance.
This way healing occurs. This is how each one of us can set ourselves free. The ultimate freedom each one of us longs for lies in self-acceptance and love. And the more we accept and love others – the more we give ourselves space to be who we are.
Client felt immensely free. She decided to look for new exciting projects where she can utilise her skills and feel as she makes a difference in the world.